complexity · Faith · health · Life · mental health · self growth · thoughts

Depersonalization, I do not want to lose myself

While I normally post about happier things, I feel like it is important to honor where I am currently. It is not healthy for me to keep feelings bottled up. While I have taken a week to let them simmer in my brain, I am ready to share. Writing is a way I hope to work through a few emotions that I have been delaying their acknowledgment. 

March 9, 2017:
Lately, I have been living more and more, in what I can only describe as a dream-like, episodes. I feel as if I am just watching my life go on and I am outside my body. I feel as if I have no control over the interactions with people or things. I am just being swept away. Today, I have no memory of going from my co-worker’s cubical back to mine. :l Even when I was in her cubical, I felt like I was not in control, not sure of what she was saying or what I was saying. Did I even respond properly to her? I have less motivation to do the things that I love. I have no urge to do anything else. I’m trying so hard and praying on what I should do next. I’m trying to listen to my heart, what does it want me to do? I’m pushing myself to the max literally every day and it is wearing me down. Quickly. 
My brain says, “Keep working hard. You need the money and stability. The health insurance. The 401K.” 
My heart asks, “But what is that all for?”
I researched all of my symptoms and came across depersonalization. — see one description at Britannica.
March 16, 2017
I wrote the above emotional, word-vomit last Thursday and did not want to post such a raw and emotional piece. I did not want to write something to not feel it a week later, as sometimes I am dramatic and sensitive. Okay, most days of my life I am dramatic and sensitive–Makes for a dynamic roller coaster of existence. Also, I try not to focus on the negative, as it brings more negative into my life.
Today, I have come to accept, those are real feelings I have experienced for a while now. 
I notice the feelings happen in a cycle. I think the cycle shows me the root cause of the depersonalization.
I seem to find myself stressed all week, which isn’t everyone? Then on the weekends, I am happy as ever. 
The constant build of low levels of stress has caused me to have these dream-like episodes, as I read in my googling. Any other opinions are welcome!!! 

“This is because during depersonalisation, one’s identity is attributed to nothing which gives them a sense of having no self.” https://psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Depersonalization

^^This, this right here is what happens to me when I sit and numb my mind with day after day, with what seems to be pointless work,  instead of reading and learning and living and sharing about my passions, Happiness, Family, Health and God.  I am starting to lose confidence in myself. I am weakening my self by not pursuing my dreams.

I have worked hard to reach a self where I am patient, loving and accepting of where I am each day. I am starting to feel it go away, and that is what scares me the most. That is what breaks my heart each day.

I am not sure if others feel this? Is this normal? I struggle to think that people just push through these feelings. Am I being hyper sensitive? All questions I am working to answer.
I am in NO WAY saying that my new found love has changed me for the worse. I think my life has not kept up with my new knowledge. I am the one in control of my life, and I need to make some changes to make myself, my view of myself and my passion a reality for my daily life.
First step is acknowledging the problem. Next, take the steps to correct it! I will keep y’all posted on what happens next.
Honestly and from the bottom of my heart–Thank you for reading,
As always, Spreading the love!!
Vivien

 

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